How to talk with your partner about money: Financial coaches and therapists weigh in

From simple disagreements about spending to serious debates over your financial future, chances are you’ve had a money-related argument with your partner at one point or another.

In some cases, you might have even kept a secret from them. Bankrate’s Financial Infidelity Survey found that 2 in 5 (40 percent) U.S. adults — who are married, in a civil partnership or living with a romantic partner — are committing or have committed financial infidelity against their current spouse or partner. Most commonly, 33 percent have secretly spent more than a spouse or partner would be OK with, and 23 percent have had secret debt.

There’s no shame in having financial disagreements — even the strongest relationships can have arguments when money comes into the picture. But these discussions are important to have, experts say. Failing to discuss money with your partner could lead to negative financial consequences, like racking up debt or failing to save for the future. If you’re having disagreements with your partner over finances, consider advice from the pros. Bankrate spoke to three financial experts who coach couples through their money struggles.

Kate Dorman (they/them)

Sound Financial Therapy

Licensed therapist with over three years of experience as a financial therapist

If you ask Kate Dorman, a Seattle-based financial therapist, people are often stuck in a cycle when approaching their finances. For example, a client may want to pay off debt or save more for retirement, but due to a lack of financial education, they don’t know what their first step should be. Tensions can rise when two people in a relationship are struggling to figure out their finances without a plan.

Making that plan may seem daunting, but Dorman has three tips for couples wanting to approach money conversations together: 

Start the conversation casually

Often, the hardest part of talking about money is getting started. If you’ve had few to no conversations about money with your partner before, Dorman recommends a script along the lines of: “I saw a [financial article/video/blog] recently, and I want to talk about money more. Can we find a time to do that?”

If you’re still early in your relationship, Dorman also recommends broaching the topic by asking questions about how your partner grew up around money, such as asking if they received an allowance when they were younger and how they spent that money. These types of topics, they say, can give you insight into your partner’s financial approaches early on in the relationship. This can help determine whether or not you and your partner are financially compatible.

Talk about the feelings, not the dollars

If you buy a coffee while out one day and your partner is upset, the amount of money you spent may not be the reason they feel that way, Dorman says. Instead, making the purchase in the first place could have caused anxiety or other negative emotions. Therefore, Dorman says conversations around money can be more productive if you talk about how you feel about your financial decisions, not the actual money spent. Instead of arguing about the $7 coffee, you can explain that you’re anxious because your partner agreed not to spend money on coffee this month. Chances are $7 won’t break your budget — the real disagreement is over your financial priorities.

What's a financial therapist?

A financial therapist is a licensed therapist who guides clients through their emotions around money. They may also provide limited financial assistance, like helping clients build a budget, but they're different from financial planners.

Learn more

Adam Kol (he/him)

The Couples Financial Coach

Financial coach with background in tax law

Adam Kol, a Florida-based financial coach, worked in financial services and tax law for several years before changing careers to pursue financial coaching for couples.

Kol says that because money is still taboo in American culture, it can be difficult for people to talk about with their partner. On top of that, many people have complex backgrounds that can color their relationships with money, such as their family’s approach to finances, heritage, gender, sexual orientation, race or other identities.

“There are many layers and lots of complexity (to money discussions), and there’s more than enough there for at least one partner or the other to just feel overwhelmed and want to avoid it, or shut down,” Kol says.

To avoid shutting down, Kol has three tips for couples, especially those in a new relationship:

Consider using a vacation to start the conversation around money

Kol encourages starting conversations about money early in a relationship, as a way to ensure you and your new partner are on the same page. An upcoming vacation can be a great opportunity to do this. You might learn about your partner’s financial approaches by asking:

• What’s your budget for the trip?
• Do you prefer to fly or drive?
• Would you prefer a packed itinerary or relaxing?
• Would you like to approach vacations frugally or splurge?
• Will you save for the vacation ahead of time or use credit cards?
• How often do you take vacations, and how do you fit them into your monthly budget?

But Kol also recommends starting these conversations slowly.

“Breathe, and remember this is hard and overwhelming for a lot of people, for a number of reasons,” Kol says. “You don’t have to figure everything out right away. … You can always start with something that seems reasonable, and then adjust as needed.”

Figure out your priorities together

Kol suggests avoiding specific amount-related financial questions, such as asking if your partner would rather buy a TV for $300 or $3,000, since these questions lack context. Instead, you can ask questions that gauge what someone’s goals and priorities are, and use those answers to understand your priorities together as a couple: For example:

• If your partner says they want to retire early, that could lead to conversations about the Financial Independence, Retire Early (FIRE) movement, and you could ask questions about how they plan to achieve that. Does that align with your own career and retirement goals?
• If your partner’s goal is to buy a house, you could ask if they’ve saved for a down payment already or if they plan to bolster their emergency savings in case of unexpected repairs. Do you both prioritize saving?
• If your partner wants to start investing more, you could ask what their current investing strategy is, and offer to help them open a Roth IRA or look for new investing strategies. Is their investing style risk-averse or risk-tolerant? How does that compare to yours?

Know the four essentials

It’s important to know four financial essentials about your partner, Kol says:

1. Income: How much they make and what their streams of income are
2. Expenses: Their bills and other reoccurring expenses
3. Assets: What they own, such as a house, car and/or retirement accounts
4. Debts: What they owe, such as credit card debt or student loan debt

You probably won’t ask these questions immediately in a new relationship, but once you have a better understanding of your partner’s goals and financial priorities, you can begin to ask about their income or basic expenses, such as rent. By the time you begin making financial plans with your partner (like moving in together or discussing your future), it’s important to understand their full financial picture.

Once you know your partner’s income, expenses, assets and debts, you’re able to understand their financial situation and can start making goals for the two of you as a couple. Kol also says knowing someone’s financial essentials will give context to their behavior. For example, someone with a low spending budget might sometimes feel nervous about spending money, while a person who doesn’t want to feel financially restricted may have a high spending budget.

Elana Feinsmith (she/her)

Oak Financial Coaching

Financial therapist and CFP

Elana Feinsmith is a Bay Area-based certified financial planner (CFP) who uses her background in finance to help clients work through their emotional hurdles around money.

Feinsmith says many money-related relationship issues come down to avoidance, as stress can cause people to avoid making financial decisions. But having these conversations is important — they can help you avoid financial pitfalls down the line.

“Money is a tool, and if you can learn to use it better, (it’s like) a hammer,” Feinsmith says. “You can use a hammer to smash a window or a glass door, or you can use a hammer to build something really nice or hang a beautiful picture on the wall.”

Feinsmith has two main tips for couples looking to improve their communication around money:

Figure out your values

Understanding your financial values — and your partner’s — will help you get on the same page. Those could include:

• Saving money
• Living frugally
• Reaching the top of your earning potential
• Achieving financial freedom.
  

By understanding each other’s values, you’ll be able to understand why each of you makes certain decisions around money, which can help get to the root of your disagreements. Feinsmith wants her clients to get to a point where they understand and accept what’s important to each other financially, especially if their values are different.

Embrace vulnerability and honesty — and seek help

Feinsmith also says the majority of financial decisions are made from emotion. She wants clients to acknowledge these emotions and approach conversations from a place of vulnerability and honesty — especially as couples grow older and the conversations about finances grow more complicated. Early in a relationship, your conversations may mainly center around learning more about your partner and discovering their financial goals. But later, you’ll need to discuss topics like joining finances, starting a family or saving for retirement.

Feinsmith recommends financial therapy to help untangle some of your thoughts about money, but there are other professionals who can also help you on your financial journey:

• A certified financial planner (CFP): CFPs provide comprehensive financial planning advice and hold certifications from the CFP Board. Unlike other financial professionals, CFPs are always bound by a fiduciary duty, meaning they’re obligated to act in the best interest of their clients.
• A financial advisor: A financial advisor guides you through different aspects of your financial life, like wealth management, budgeting, insurance, taxes, estate planning and retirement. Look for an advisor whoacts as a fiduciary and consider fee-based advisors over advisors who charge a percentage of your assets.
  

The bottom line

Approaching financial conversations with your partner can feel awkward and uncomfortable, even if you’ve been with them for years. But financial experts agree it’s important to have those conversations early on. By starting financial conversations about budgets and goals with your partner early, you’ll be able to create an open environment to talk about bigger topics down the line, like buying a home, paying for your children’s college and retirement. It’ll take work, especially if either one of you isn’t used to talking about money, but it will lead you one step closer to meeting all your financial goals — together.