Some might say marriage is one of the most important milestones in life. So while a wedding is a day for family and friends to gather and celebrate the happy couple, it’s also an opportunity for invited guests to drain their wallets.
Bankrate asked Americans how big of a role their budgets play when it comes to the cost of weddings. Our findings were surprising: While most Americans haven’t turned down a wedding invite due to the cost of attendance, nearly one in three of those who did say it damaged their relationship with the newlyweds. Additionally, there are notable differences across generations on what an appropriate amount to spend on the couple’s big day is.
Not sure how to navigate the etiquette of wedding attendance? We asked a number of experts to sound off on the dos and don’ts of being a wedding invitee, and they also offered some helpful guidance for those who can’t afford to accept every invite.
It's completely acceptable to decline a wedding invitation if you can't afford it. You should take a close look at your bank account and budget to decide whether or not attending a wedding is feasible. Costs associated with attending a wedding vary vastly depending on whether or not travel is associated and whether or not you will need to stay the night following the ceremony and reception. . . Once you take a look at the detailed factors at play for attending the wedding related to your budget, it's up to you to decide if you can afford to go or not.
Jeffra Trumpower,
Creative Director, WeddingWire
Just as you would regretfully decline if you have a scheduling conflict, it's perfectly appropriate to decline if the wedding does not work for your budget. Attending a wedding can be expensive, especially if travel is involved. If this is the case, don't delay — let the couple know as soon as possible. And then make every effort to attend any local pre-wedding celebrations (like the bridal shower), send a prompt wedding gift, and plan to celebrate with the couple when they return.
Mariam Naficy,
Founder and CEO of Minted
30 percent of those who declined a wedding invite because they couldn't afford to go said their relationship with the couple was negatively impacted.
Do you have any advice/tips on avoiding a negative reaction when declining a wedding invite? What is the proper way to decline a wedding invite?
If it's a really close friend, don't just send back the RSVP note in the mail with the decline box checked. Pick up the phone and call them to let them know that unfortunately, you can't make it, but you'll be thinking of them. If it's somebody you’re really not that close with, don't worry about it, they probably over-invited anyway!
Jennifer Spector,
Zola Director of Brand
For guests who are asked to attend a wedding but are concerned about the cost, be honest and upfront with the to-be-weds. They are, after all, people who love, trust, and want you with them on their special day to celebrate their union. If you're saying no to a family member or close friend, communicate the ways you're trying to make your presence happen before declining the invite — this will go a long way in preserving your relationship. If you need to decline an invitation, do it as soon as possible via your RSVP. There's nothing worse than a couple having to track down their guests in the week before their wedding only to get a "no." Even though you're not attending, it's a nice gesture to send a card with your well-wishes for the couple. This too can go a long way in maintaining your relationship. A stat worth noting: According to The Knot's 2018 Weddings Guest Study, 71 percent of guests considering whether or not to accept an invitation to a wedding is their personal relationship to the couple.
Lauren Kay,
Executive Editor, The Knot
First and foremost, it's completely OK to decline a wedding invitation if the event doesn’t work with your schedule, or you can't afford to go. Chances are, there will be a time in your life when you have to decline an invitation to a wedding or a wedding-related event, like a bachelorette party or bridal shower. If you've decided you won't be able to attend a wedding, the first thing you should do is call the couple. I don't recommend relying on a text or email for this. Since this is the couple’s wedding day, it's important to show respect and send well wishes their way. A timely phone call is a great way to avoid hurt feelings and a negative reaction from the couple. If the couple is still upset, show empathy and simply let them know you will be toasting and celebrating them from afar. At the end of the day, there’s not much guests can do to completely change a couple's reaction, however if you're respectful and timely about turning down the invitation, you give them less room to be upset with you.
Jeffra Trumpower,
Creative Director, WeddingWire
If a guest can't attend the wedding they may still want to send a congratulatory note and gift, however, the cost of the gift doesn't have to be as expensive as if they were attended the wedding. For example, a guest can send a bottle of champagne as a wedding gift instead of shopping off the wedding registry.
Anne Chertoff,
Beaumont Etiquette
It's not required, but if you can afford it and you care about the relationship, it's a nice gesture to send a gift if you can't attend the wedding. If they are close friends or family members, it's a good idea to give them what you would have gifted if you had attended the wedding. If you're not especially close with the couple, it's still a nice idea to send something, but it's ok if it's not super extravagant.
Kate Donovan,
Style Director of BRIDES Magazine
A good rule of thumb for every wedding is to set a total budget and then split that budget between wedding events. I recommend spending about 40 percent on pre-wedding events and 60 percent on the wedding day, including any travel and a gift. Another good rule to follow is if you're a super close friend or a relative, you might want to spend a bit more on a gift than you would for your acquaintance.
Jennifer Spector,
Zola Director of Brand
When determining how much to spend on a wedding gift, the primary factors that matter are what can you easily afford and how close are you to the couple. A wedding is not a fundraiser, nor is it a quid pro quo, and contrary to common belief, spending an amount equivalent to the cost of your meal at the reception is not the measure to decide how much to give.
Mister Manners Thomas P. Farley,
America's Trusted Etiquette Expert
Cash is highly acceptable for two reasons. First, it may be a cultural norm that the couple practices and so, of course, it would be welcomed. The second reason is that many couples today are either older or have already established living arrangements together and don't need specific gifts. Cash would help them in starting their new life together.
Elaine Swann,
Etiquette Expert & Founder of The Swann School of Protocol
I think you throw expectation out the window when you plan a destination wedding. Even your close friends and family might not be able to swing the travel costs. To combat this, be sure to give your guests nine to 12 months of notice if you're having a destination wedding.
Carrie Schwab,
Editor-in-Chief and General Manager, Junebug Weddings
If a couple has a destination wedding, they have to be prepared that not everyone will be able to attend, due to financial constraints, scheduling issues, or even health concerns. It's a much bigger commitment than a more local wedding destination. That being said, many guests these days are using a friend or family member's destination wedding as an opportunity to travel to a new place and make it into a bigger trip. They may even add on a few extra days for personal travel.
Kate Donovan,
Style Director of BRIDES Magazine
Including, attire, travel, gifts and related festivities, i.e. shower, bachelor/bachelorette parties.
Just like every wedding is unique, so is every wedding party. Some to-be-weds have friends and family with big budgets while others are more financially conscious. At The Knot, we recommend brides and grooms have an open and honest conversation with the members of their wedding party how to discuss expectations regarding financial commitments as well as involvement.
Lauren Kay,
Executive Editor, The Knot
No couple should have an expectation that their bridal party members spend at a certain level for the occasion. Being asked to serve as a bridesmaid or groomsman is an honor, and should not be looked at as a role that carries an initiation fee. Both members of the couple should seriously consider the financial burden that being in their wedding party will entail and not become a bridezilla or groomzilla and envision lavish bachelorette getaways to Rio or bespoke tuxedos that cost in the thousands. To be asked to serve as an attendant at a wedding should not require the services of a loan officer.
Mister Manners Thomas P. Farley,
America's Trusted Etiquette Expert
Kelly Anne Smith is a personal finance writer for Bankrate. Smith has covered topics ranging from retirement and student loan debt to how millennials manage their money. Through her writing, she hopes to educate and empower consumers to make smart money decisions that work toward financial freedom.
